JOE BANANAHEAD DOES NOT LIVE HERE
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The Gordon Hilgers Homepage
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Who would have thought that Heidi would get caught between two electric chairs?Who would have thought anybody in their right mind would waste that much electricity?Who would have thought that "The Sound of Music" could be an interesting take on Tibetian culture?Who would have thought that only one person could have thought these things?Is there any connection between disconnected objects in time and space? How could a mattress burning on the shoulder of an interstate have any relation to your plastic sunflower windmill, the one spinning in the breeze in your backyard right now? Why would Heidi think these things as she puffs up the mountian trail? Why doesn't she think of goat cheese instead?
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JOE BANANAHEAD IS ATTACKED BY A TRIANGULAR KITTTEN ARROW AND CONTRACTS SIBERIAN WOLF BABY DISEASE!
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That's correct. The poor guy was fighting off a trained-to-kill Black Colorado Attack Landbat when he was hit by a triangular kitten arrow. When he woke up in a nearby hospital, he discovered to his dismay, that he was growing fur all over his face. Every time something resembled the moon--the bathroom light, say, or perhaps the little scope on the head of one of many examining doctors who peered into his face with those little lighted skull-caps--Joe Bananahead wanted to howl like a wolf. Before he knew it, he wanted to mate with dogs. And just think of it: Joe Bananahead, skulking out into the backyard late at night, all to dig up a bone! In fact, it wasn't until a representative of Ripley's Believe It Or Not approached him to do a story about his malady that Joe Bananahead even had the slightest idea what this thing was supposed to be called. In fact, as far as he was concerned, Joe simply had a yen for raw meat, for rooting around in dumpsters and a simply irresistable attraction for fleas. Oh, if he had only known. If he only had learned the secret name of the disease he had contracted through the injection of germs carried by a notoriously dirty triangular kitten arrow. If he had had time, he could have gotten the antidote. But now, as the doctors peered down at him, he heard them whisper the shocking secret: He had Siberian Wolfbaby Disease. There is no cure for it--in Tibet or anywhere.
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JOE BANANAHEAD IS ALIVE AND HOOKED UP TO MACHINES IN THE BASEMENT OF DALLAS
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But we've heard those kinds of rumors before, haven't we? In this case, however, those rumors are true.Perhaps it was part of a government experiement that made Joe Bananahead's hairline crawl down his forehead until it met with his rapidly-expanding eyebrows. Perhaps the government thought the military could develop some kind of strange biological weapon by studying Joe Bananahead's shocking "lifestyle changes." Perhaps Dallas' First Baptist Church simply wanted poor old Joe Bananahead up in the attic where nobody could see him. Whatever the case, Joe Bananahead is floating in a saline-based solution somewhere in the depths of Parkland Hospital--the same place John F. Kennedy reputedly is being kept alive!Doctors check his solution on a daily basis. Nurses eat their lunch next to the big jar where he's floating. One time they even found a homeless man hiding out behind Joe Bananahead. Most of the time, however, the janitors sneak a drink from their 40oz malts in between floor mops. Joe Bananahead knows all, sees all.Joe Bananahead desperately needs a shave.
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